Cheating or Not: How to Tell if You are Cheating in Second Life

Sometimes, I have a morbid hankering to read about how Second Life has destroyed Real Life marriages. Once upon a time, I read them and thought, "WTF? It's a game. What kind of dork lets it ruin thier real life? Loosers..." Turns out that I am a dork.

I won't go into details, because quite frankly, it's over and done with and I am still happily married in Real Life. But there were some times that it was pretty touch and go. Was it myself or my husand at fault? Was it the fault of the third party? I won't say. But I will say that the heartache, anger and frustration was shared by my husband and I. It was not pretty, lots of tears were shed and the trust factor is going to take some time to reuild. But it will be rebuilt. I am very fortunate to be able to say that. But it still begs the question: when is an SL relationship considered cheating?

For me, that's easy: when your spouse spends more time with the SL partner then the RL spouse. When the SL spouse starts calling your RL home and your spouse is keeping it a secret from you. Yeah, your spouse didn't actually meet them, fuck them or otherwise actually touch them physically. But when your entire relationship suffers because the SL spouse becomes the focus...then it's cheating. And unless you have an open relationship, that's a no-no that can potentially cost you one of the most important relationships of your life. And for what? Pixels? Come on, kids...

Lets be realistic, shall we? EVERYONE is hot in SL. Unless you specifically strive to look like a mutant, everyone in Second Life is sexy beyond words and, thanks to poseballs, can fuck like a bunny and still be romantic. And for the lucky precious few, real love is found in SL and it can be beautiful. But the vast majority of grid citizens get caught up in the fast-forward relationships and think that they are in love with a bunch of algorythms. And when they meet in RL, they find out the other person looks like (shocker!) a normal human being and that they have nothing in common except for a love of cybering and hanging out in virtual clubs. Hardly the basis for a lasting RL relationship, much less a marriage. And when a real life, solid marriage is thrown away for this ephemeral promise of sex-laden bliss with a god/dess-like being, it makes me cringe..because it damn-near happened to me.

The typical defense of SL cheaters is "It's just a game. It's not a real relationship". Yeah, right. When they start to trickle into RL, it's pretty damn real. Friendships are fine, I think. It happens all the time in SL and I have a few RL friends from all over the place that I speak to on the phone. But the main part is secrecy. Rule of thumb: if you think your spouse will flip out if they knew the full extent of your SL/RL relationship with this person, you're cheating. If your spouse has met with someone in RL from SL and didn't tell you or you found out after the fact, it's cheating. Full disclosure: I did speak to my partner of 18 months on the phone and actually met him for dinner once when he was in town. All of this was done with the full knowledge of my husband. They even met. No, I didn't fuck him or even kiss him or anything. So there. I'm an adult. Go me! And in case you were wondering, we aren't partnered anymore, but we are still friends. He's an adult, too. Go him!

So when is it worth it to end an RL marriage for an SL relationship? I don't know...I am sure there are some instances when this is perfectly viable. But largely, it isn't. It's an insult of the worst kind, when you think about it. It hurts everyone, and it doesn't just go away when they end the SL relationship. For the flesh-and-blood spouse that has been tossed aside for a pixelated image, the pain is horrendous. And the one who cheated realizes just how ridiculous it was and has to deal with the consequences of hurting they one that they love the most. And for what? Nadda. Zip. Zilch. Bupkiss.

And so, gentle reader, here is Auntie Synn's advice: Love the one you're with. They love you for richer or for poorer, through sickness and in health and even when you feel ugly, they will still think you are the most beautiful person in the world. They know you as no one in SL can know you, and they still hang around. Don't ever take them for granted.

And if you still want to end your RL marriage for someone you met in SL, then you probably have some larger issues going on and you deal with that however you see fit. Good luck with that.

RL Married and Loving It,

Synn